Help! I'm Stuck in a Story!
by kurantoB
Summary: Shut up, OC. Be a good pawn. Anyway, meet Human X. A creature who suddenly appears in Gensokyo, but -gasp- already has knowledge of Touhou. Especially all the fan yuri and porn. Even a bit about the games. Somewhat. Meant to be taken lightly. WARNING: Do not read when eating spicy things.
1. Dusk in Paradise

A/N: *Gasp* A new fic. Except this one's a true story!

...

No, really! I'm dead serious.

Especially the part where the protagonist tickles the Hakurei armpits. See? Listen. *Sound effect of laughing miko* (Whoa, whoa, whoa... Sorry, that may be going a bit too far.)

In any case, thus commenceth the tale. Oh yeah, did I mention that it's a true story?

Disclaimer: Touhou belongs to ZUN.

* * *

**Chapter 1: Dusk in Paradise**

His name is Human X. That's right - he is the OC protagonist of this fic. Now, readers, giving him an actual name would only cause you to look at him more as a person. Which is definitely something this... thing... does not deserve to be viewed as.

"A-hahaha! I'm in Gensokyo! I'm finally in Gensokyo!" he laughs, walking around. "Whoever's up there making this happen, thank you!"

Er... nope. You're not welcome. You think can just compensate with your luck with just a hollow expression of thanks? Well, ha!

Human X picks his ear. "I swear I was hearing things. Who's yelling at me?"

He freezes in realization. "Aha! Must be the final boss of the incident! I've got to find Reimu! Heheheh. Reimu-chan! Reimu-chaan!" His fingers twitch a little, as if itching to tickle something. Curiously, he has no idea why that is. Without further ado, he picks a random direction and dashes off.

Crap. I don't want to be found out this early. The characters of this universe should never realize that they're part of a story! Or else my master plan will fail.

"Whee!" "Nyaaa!" "Eeee!" The shrieks of fairies fill the air. A group can already be seen chasing the boy as he runs.

"Dammit! Why? Why does it have to be this way? I completely forgot - I can't use danmaku!" He looks back and nevertheless extends his hand, putting full concentration on it.

*Ps-s-s-s*

*Pow, pow, pow, pow*

"...Oh. Okay," he shrugs. The he jumps in the air, flying higher and higher to gather the power and point values.

Be thankful, Human X. That I, the author, oh-so-conveniently made you decide to try using danmaku.

"Ahaha. Gee, thanks," says Human X contently, humbly scratching the hair on his neck.

...Uh, oops? Heheh. Did I say something?

"I dunno, did you?"

*pokerface*

Human X sighs. "I keep hearing that voice. No doubt it's quite a formidable last boss indeed. I've got to warn Reimu."

Human X feels a small clamp on his arm. A lone fairy holds on to it, and many more appear around him, clinging to his shirt and pants.

"What are you, hey! Get off!"

On the fairies' eyes are heart shapes. He suddenly gets a wet and soggy feeling. Drool escapes the fairies' mouths.

"Now that's just. Disgusting." He shakes them away and...

*Boom boom*

...eliminates them with more danmaku. He brushes off the dust in his hands in a showy fashion. "I get how there's a gender imbalance and all, but... fairies are fairies."

A mischievous grin spreads across his face. "I wonder if all Touhou girls will fall in love with me. Eheheheheee. Ahahahaa! Paradise found!"

* * *

Evening.

About that time when youkai come out to mate and breed. Oh, and eat humans.

"I can feel it. The magic in the air!" he says. He positions his hands forward and shoots out some more fairies. He has been wandering for the past few hours, and now, he feels that something's about to happen.

He pauses for a moment to admire the scene. The trees around him look trimmed, as if in a garden. They glow in different colors as well. The lighting of the area is pretty strange, seeing that the sun has already gone down, and the trees look to be lit from the bottom up. A few hovering spheres of light tells him that fairies are still around.

"What are you doing, human?" asks a girly voice. "Shouldn't you be in the village by now?"

"Huh? Wha? Who's talking?"

"Here, over here." The voice seems to come from down below.

"Where?"

So the boy looks down and jumps in surprise. The flower in between his legs - it's ALIVE! ...Well, yes, of course it is, but it has eyes! And talks!

"Don't scare me like that. And besides, what are you, a fairy or a youkai?"

"I'm a spirit that possesses this flower. I might have been a fairy or a human, or even this flower's original soul. Who cares. All I know is that I'm probably a youkai-in-the-making."

"Oh, I see," says Human X thoughtfully. He turns back to the flower and holds up his finger in realization. "Right, which reminds me."

*Ps-s-s-s*

"Ow, ow! What're you doing?" asks the flower.

"Youkai extermination - go!" exclaims the boy, firing danmaku.

"You can't kill me that easily," says the flower matter-of-factly. "The human war on youkai is overrated. See? All my sisters are in agreement."

"Yeah!" "Yeah!"

An entire chorus of flowers joins in. All around him, the flowers turn to face him as they speak.

"P-thoo!"

"Ow." Human X feels a rock thrown at his stomach. Which makes a little explosion upon contact.

"P-thoo!"

It isn't before long that he realizes that it's the flowers spitting seed-shaped danmaku in his direction.

"Oh well, better escape for now," he says. And he rises into the air.

"Seriously... Objects being possessed by spirits," he muses, feeling the cool night air.

He looks around for hints of a shrine, but could only see mountains and hills in all directions.

"Come to think of it, such thing really can happen in Gensokyo. Huh. What's next, a spirit possessing a completely random object? What, like clothing?"

"That's mean..." says a nearby girlish voice.

His heart skipping a beat, he comes to a stop. Human X's face pales immediately upon realizing the stupidity of the things he has said. He is all alone in the air, with no one around that could have said anything to him. Unless...

"O-okay, where are you, you mischievous brat who dares try to scare me like that! Or rather, w-what are you?"

Sure enough, his fears are confirmed as a white ghostly figure of a young girl appears in front of him, making him yelp in fright. Upon closer look, the place where the girl's legs are supposed to be - that's right... connected to the white cotton of his T-shirt.

"Why are you such a meanie!" complains the spirit.

"Wahhhhh!" shrieks Person X as he hurriedly takes off his T-shirt and chucks it in the air, letting it be blown off in the wind.

"I wear that any longer, and I would have become youkai dinner! Was it... was it there all along?" he pants, sweat running down his naked torso. "Or did it suddenly appear the moment I suggested it? E-heheh!" His nervous laughter fills the night air, drawing the attention of the fairies on the ground.

Heads are turned. The clean, hairless, muscular developing body of a man in his late teens is indeed a rare sight in Gensokyo.

"Ahhhhh!" "Eeeee!"

The entire fairy population of the surrounding forest rises up to meet the Chosen One.

* * *

A/N: In case you're wondering, yes, this is intended to be a laugh fic. Unfortunately, this story is not taken seriously enough by its author to even have a clear, predetermined plot. Please, carry on with your browsing of the Touhou section and stop giving this fic the attention it does not deserve! (Otherwise, people will start noticing the cheesiness of my humor. XD In fact, so cheesy you can put it in a sandwich!)


	2. Another Morning

A/N: Ack... People reading and reviewing, actually making me want to continue this blasphemy - HOW DARE YOU! *Hack!* *Cough!*

Sorry. Got sick from bad cheese. The same kind that I'm feeding you now!

Disclaimer: I don't own Touhou.

* * *

**Chapter 2: Another Morning**

A misty morning, that is.

Reimu Hakurei opens her eyes to the dim morning light shining through the windows.

*Yawn*

Time to begin yet another day in Gensokyo. The red-white-clad, black-haired miko wonders if it's okay to visit Marisa this early in the morning. Kourindou, of course, is out of the question. That's right... Rinnosuke would rather prance around the Human Village wearing a rainbow-colored tutu rather than allow visitors at this hour. Come to think of it, he actually can do such a thing, assuming that he's serious about marketing his rare merchandise... But we digress.

...Well. As long as nothing strange is happening, there isn't really a need to visit anyone.

That's right. If anything is worth her attention, they can just come over and tell her instead. She might as well lie in bed the entire day.

The miko yawns once more and rolls over on her side.

_Bam!_

The sound of the shrine doors flying open. Followed by a half-naked male figure suddenly bursting in.

"HELP ME! HELP ME, REIMU-CHAN! I'M BEING CHASED BY A BUNCH OF HORNY FAIRIES AND I EVEN ALMOST GOT EATEN BY A YOUKAI ...AND ALSO THERE'S A WEIRD VOICE THAT KEEPS SPEAKING IN MY HEAD!"

Standing directly above Reimu, he is left pointing at his head for emphasis.

...

...

Still lying in her futon, Reimu's eyebrow twitches as her face takes on a bewildered expression.

"Ah-hahaha," laughs the young man nervously. "Yeah. Quite the dilemma, isn't it?"

"No, I was just thinking..." Reimu starts to explain. Suddenly, she rises from bed, shaking her fist in anger. "What did you just call me!"

* * *

Nope, not a fairy to be seen outside.

Human X angrily shakes his finger at the miko as he steps back from the window. "Hey, no fair! You have some kind of magic-repelling charm in your shrine."

"Do I?" asks Reimu sourly. "It's actually very convenient. Stops people like you from proving their point too."

"Why you!"

But moments later, they are sitting across from each other, tea in their hands.

Now, Human X. Allow me to take the time to remind you. You know well enough... That those infamous armpits are happily perched right under the shoulders of the girl sitting directly across from you. You've come all this way, so isn't it such a waste to leave them alone?

Human X's arms make a slow, involuntary forward motion.

"Is something the matter?" asks a suspiciously grinning Reimu.

_Eeek! Don't hurt me!_ is what he wants to say upon seeing her expression, and his arms jerk back on their own.

"Er, nothing! Nothing at all!"

Reimu finishes her tea, reaches for the teapot to pour more, and sets it on the table once again. ...And does all that without taking her stone-faced stare off her guest.

_Clang!_

..._Bang!_

The roughness with which the miko handles the teapot and teacup seems to be a blatant show of aggressiveness.

...Oh, yes. And that glare hasn't left yet. Not even a blink.

_This girl... Why does it seem like she's challenging me? …Challenging me to try something stupid?_

"Well. You see. Just... we might have another incident in our hands," says Human X airily.

"...Okay?"

"Just be careful from now on, okay?"

One of the miko's eyebrows gains altitude.

...What's up, Human X. It's me, that voice again.

Right, that cup of tea you hold in your hands, you're not gonna drink it, are you? Man, what a waste. Genuine tea brewed in Gensokyo. I'd die to have some!

"I-It's that voice again!"

"What voice?" asks Reimu irritably.

Oh, Reimu, my dear. If only you knew that your guest here has no interest in your tea. I suppose that would be an insult, would it? Here, why don't you take it back? It IS his honest opinion anyway.

"No, listen! Don't you hear it? It's talking to you."

"Hold on, what are you-"

*Splash*

The tea from Human X's teacup now rolls down Reimu's hair, wetting parts of her miko garb.

For a second or two, Human X's arm remains outstretched, his hand tilting the cup at pouring angle.

He becomes speechless for a moment, taking a while to reassemble his mind before uttering his next words. "That... wasn't on purpose...?"

* * *

_SLAM!_

* * *

"Seriously... did she have to rough me up like that?" sighs Human X. He now trudges down the path leading away from the shrine, a big bruise in his bare back, some other scars sprinkled around his torso.

"Good grief, I look like some kind of delinquent."

He finds a tree in the forest and sits down to rest.

"An incident is it? Well, Reimu-chan would only go investigate if it poses an inconvenience to her. In this case, I guess kicking me out would do enough to solve her problems. Now, what to do, what to do..."

Right, maybe he should have asked the miko for a spare change of clothes.

"Ohh..." He shakes his fist at the sky. Then he yells through clenched teeth. "THIS MEANS WAR!"

*Author picks his ear*

...I'm sorry, what did you say?

"Dammit! He didn't hear me." He pauses hesitantly. "Still, what was that weird noise before that?"

* * *

"A T-shirt?"

The instant Reimu closes the shrine door, it flutters in, blown by the wind.

Perfect.

T-Shirt X, you've come at the right time.

"A possessed object? I thought the shrine's repelling powers would be enough to keep something like that from coming in."

Ack! Plothole, plothole.

*Author blows on wound*

"It's all thanks to me being able to disguise myself as a regular object."

Haah-hahaha! T-Shirt X-chan is the best!

"Oh really?" Reimu takes out her exorcist wand. "Whatever the case, you're not getting away."

The T-shirt lies on the ground, a figure of a girl popping out from it like some kind of Yu-gi-oh monster.

Reimu waves her wand as she chants, "Lost spirit of darkness, I call upon thee! Discard your essence of existence and begone!"

The interior of the shrine darkens, seeming to draw more focus to the glow of Reimu's wand.

"Spirit?" asks T-Shirt X. "I'm afraid not!" The girl suddenly shape-shifts into a larger figure, her true form.

"A... A youkai?" exclaims Reimu in disbelief.

Like Reimu, she looks to be a girl in her mid-teens. But she has white hair and is dressed in a white cloak, attributed to the white cotton of the T-shirt she had been possessing. On her face is a smirk.

"Too late!" says the youkai as she fires danmaku from her palm. To Reimu's dismay, the danmaku begins tearing down the living quarters.

Grunting, Reimu takes the attack head on, her grip on her wand loosening. Before she can fire any shots in retaliation, the wand is blasted from her hands.

"Time to eat~" says T-Shirt X, her arms suddenly shape-shifting into thick strands of fabric. She uses them to pick Reimu up from the floor and hoist her against the damaged wall.

"Hai, hai." Reimu says disinterestedly. "Do what you will."

_That's strange_, the miko thinks. _It should be during times like this when she comes to the rescue._

"As you wish." The youkai steps forward, licking her lips.

* * *

"Oh, my Reimu is about to get eaten?" mumbles Yukari Yakumo in her sleep. "What a bad dream."

Next, the purple-clad blonde youkai merely rolls over in bed.

"How I wish the youkai would only attack my Reimu at night. After all, that's the only time when I'm in the mood to h-h... help..." *snore*

And the sound of light snoring once again dominates the Yakumo house.

* * *

_-A few minutes later-_

"Some morning, that was," groans Reimu as she stumbles towards the front door of the slightly damaged house. "I can't believe I let that youkai eat me."

"That was de-li-cious!" says the voice of T-Shirt X.

"You shut up, eh."

A low rumble as Reimu slides open the front door.

"Oh? Reimu-san?"

It looks like Marisa Kirisame has arrived for a visit. The black-white-clad blonde stands at the shrine's pathway, speechless. Then she bursts into laughter.

"U-fufufu. Pwahahah!" Before long, the witch is rolling on the ground, pointing and jeering.

A vein bulges out from Reimu's head. "Do you mind?"

"A change in wardrobe, I see," laughs Marisa. "Just wait till I tell Aya!"

"You so want to die, do you?" Reimu says darkly.

True to Marisa's words, Reimu is no longer clad in her usual red-white, but now wears instead-

"Where did you find that T-Shirt? Hahaha! I hate to tell you, but it looks so ugly, the way you match it with that red dress you normally wear." Marisa approaches for a closer look. "Also smells kinda funny."

"You don't have to remind me!" protests Reimu. "True, this thing looks and smells like hog sweat. But it's not like I want to wear it! Oi, listen, this is an incident! An incident!"

Marisa finally tries to stifle her laughter. Narrow victory. "Okay, let's hear it."

* * *

"What happened to this place? And eww, did someone pee on the floor?"

"Tea! Tea, not pee!"

"We all know that's just a euphemism for pee. (Actually, I made that up just now.) Speaking of tea..." Marisa says softly. Then she extends her palm.

"A spoiled brat, huh." Reimu slams her palm on the already damaged tatami. "No matter, just listen!"

Reimu takes a deep breath before revealing her troubles. "This T-shirt I'm wearing... it's actually a youkai."

"Ohhh." Marisa's face lightens up as if being told a bedtime story. "Hey, that gives me more of a reason to blow you up."

"...Anyway." Reimu motions at a closet compartment that looks to be blown apart, with pieces of torn clothing strewn about.

"You know how all youkai have different ways of eating their victims? This one apparently gobbles up all of my upper-garments."

...

One moment of silence for all those detached sleeves.

"*Gasp!* Upper-garments?" screams the voice of T-Shirt X. "Where? Where?"

"You shut up, eh," Reimu responds darkly. "Anyway, there isn't anything else for me to wear now besides... this." She motions towards said T-shirt. "That's why..."

And without warning, Marisa feels her shoulders being grabbed vigorously and her entire body shaken back and forth.

"Please lend me your clothing and find me some miko-wear that I can use!"

There are tears in her eyes. Except for the fact that the next second, they are gone, and a menacing look crosses her face.

"Unless YOU want to solve all of Gensokyo's incidents by yourself. Because fat chance that I'm stepping out like this!"

"Hmm," is Marisa's temporary response.

A second's pause.

Next Marisa asks, "So that means... I just have to be willing to solve incidents on my own? ...It's a done deal!"

A thumb's up. _Wink!_

...

A loud crashing sound as Reimu's throws her head against the wall. The building collapses within the second.

From the smoke, a witch on a broomstick flies towards the sky, her menacing laughter growing more and more distant.

* * *

A/N: Non-Directional Laser? More like, Non-Directional Story! (I get, I get it, bad joke.) Aha. Ha. Haa... *sob* How is he gonna tickle her armpits now?


	3. Deathly Evening

A/N: Still reading? Enjoy… Also, why the hell am I proofreading this thing…

Claimer: I own this story.

* * *

**Chapter 3: Deathly Evening**

"Ufufufufu."

Marisa opens her closet and digs through the pile of clothes to see if Reimu's miko outfit is still there. Seeing that it is, she takes it out and hugs it tightly. It is, after all, the only remaining Reimu-outfit in Gensokyo.

"Right, Reimu really needs this now, right? Fufufu... to think I stole this a long time ago, but who would've known that stealing it was such a bright idea?"

The witch pauses for a moment, putting on an innocent, thoughtful expression.

"Now, what should I make Reimu do for me to get her clothing back?"

* * *

"Eh? You wanna know the best way to blackmail Reimu?" asks Alice. "So you dragged me all the way here to ask me THAT? You're the one with all the bright ideas."

"My head hurts right now," complains Marisa, sitting down, her palms pressed against her head. "You know me well enough. It's really simple. Just think, 'what would Marisa do?' and I'm sure you'll be a genius in no time!"

Alice sighs, knowing that she is going to regret this. "Why not use whatever's in-" She points to a large container held over a fire, in the other room not far away. Several of Alice's dolls are already floating over it and inspecting it.

Marisa shoots up before Alice can finish. "Oh, look, I'm in the middle of making a potion! See, Alice? You could've at least pointed out that I could use something like that on Reimu. Be more observant next time, kay?"

...

Alice sighs yet again. "Why did I even bother..."

* * *

"Erm... magical Outside ingredients... perfume..." Marisa mutters as she empties bottles of lotion and perfume into the cauldron.

"How did you get your hands on those?"

"Kourin was nice enough to let me borrow it," says Marisa. "Enchanted papers..." Next, she reaches for a booklet filled with pictures of good-looking people (*ahem*, A/N: rating changed to T) and mutters an incantation.

"Wait, wait!" calls Alice as Marisa chucks the magically-infused objects it into the boiling formula. "Why do you... why do you have those? That's... That's such a waste. I want some!"

"Oh, there's plenty of those in Kourindou. You should go visit there sometime." Marisa looks around the bookshelf. "Now, where was I? Oh, right. This one's from our homeland!"

Marisa reaches for yet another booklet full of good-looking people. Printed on the cover page is:

"**Aya's Cardboard Box Photo Essay Specials (Because They Will Always Belong in a Cardboard Box!)**"

(A/N: On a completely unrelated note, "cardbox box" is pronounced "danbooru" in Japanese.)

"P-Photo Essay?" asks Alice.

"It's a weekly," shrugs Marisa as she works. "At a high price though, compared to the Bunbunmaru. If you wanna subscribe, just talk to her in person. Other than that, stop being such a sheltered female dog. After all, you ARE trying to raise your dolls to be role-model citizens of Gensokyo."

"I was doing no such thing!"

Marisa throws the booklet into the cauldron, then mixes the thing as if doing a boring chore. The mixture inside is now gooey and making crunchy noises, probably from all the lotion and paper.

"Oh, right. Forgot to ask," says Alice. "What are you making?"

*Pluck* "Ow!"

As if answering the question, Marisa had merely reached up (due to difference in stature) and pulled out a strand of Alice's hair.

* * *

*Pluck, Pluck*

"Ah... That hurts, Yuyuko-sama..."

* * *

"Yukari-sama, why are you showing them what's going on in Marisa's house?" asks Ran. The shikigami can tell that her master is entertaining her best friend the ghost in the Netherworld. Showing moving pictures through a portal, it is something similar to a security camera video.

The border youkai rolls around in bed.

"Why, you ask? But... if I show them another image, you would only ask me about whatever scene comes up as well."

Yukari's face darkens.

"And even more so... there seems to be a formidable entity close-by whose power surpasses even my own."

...Cough. Cough.

"Oh!" Yukari gasps upon noticing her mistake. To cover it up, she smiles at Ran. "Forget I said anything."

* * *

"Anyway, I'm making a love potion right now," explains Marisa, emptying her mixture into a flask. "And YOU are going to be her victim."

"Whose?"

"Reimu, who else?" asks Marisa.

Alice scowls in response, deciding not to bother with any more questions.

Finally, Marisa says, "Right... I haven't told you the story. Reimu is in very bad shape right now. And maybe she needs someone to comfort her. You suit that role perfectly. So... guess who this love potion is for?"

"I thought you're just trying to blackmail Reimu into doing something for you?" Alice deadpans.

"Yeah, that too…" she responds halfheartedly.

* * *

...

"Fun, fun! Playing with Yukari's gaps is fun!" says Yuyuko cheerily as she dances around the gardens of Hakugyokurou. In her hand is the flask of love potion.

* * *

Human X walks aimlessly around the Forest of Magic.

"Right, time to find out where this Overmind is hiding. Then defeat him myself if I have to."

Isn't it strange for characters to speak their thoughts out loud?

"You!" shouts Human X. "How long are you going to hide behind the scree- I mean, hide within the shadows? Why don't you confront me head on? Good grief, look at this coward."

Hey, hey! I'm just wondering... sheesh.

Suddenly, with a popping noise, a beautiful ghost appears before the human.

"Greetings, human..."

"Wha- Yuyuko?" asks Human X. "Oh my... You look much hotter in person."

"Why thank you," says Yuyuko dismissively. Being friends with Yukari, weird conversations such as this one should be familiar territory. "Hey, hey..."

As she speaks, she hands him a knife.

"Did you know that if you slit your throat with this, all your problems will be solved?"

Human X takes the knife and turns it over in his hand. He scratches his head.

"Uh... no. Didn't know that. Thanks for telling me, though. I'll make sure to keep that in mind."

Yuyuko shakes her head. "Actually, before you do that, drink this instead." She hands him a flask full of... is that liquid in there? "This would put something good within your reach without you having to die."

"Uh, sure."

For someone who's half-willing to discard his life, a strange drink shouldn't matter that much. If it isn't going to kill him, how bad can it be?

_Fufufu_, Yuyuko laughs inwardly. _That's how you do it. Impose the most extreme penalties. Then, lessen the burden to make it seem more attractive._

Her eyes gleam as they watch Human X down the thing in one gulp.

* * *

Reimu's eyebrow twitches in annoyance. "You had my miko-wear all along?" Marisa has invited her over, it seems. Reimu had cut and tailored her dress to look more like shorts, just to better match her T-shirt.

"Yeah, I'm willing to give it back to you, and even help you exterminate the T-shirt youkai," says Marisa contently.

"Gee, thanks. You're too kind."

"But... you've gotta drink this first!" She hands Reimu a flask.

A glare from Reimu. "I knew it was something like that..." With a quick swipe, she grabs the flask.

Unknown to Marisa, she mutters a silent incantation to detect whatever entity she is about to drink.

_Marisa's making me drink... water? Wait, I detect something ghostly. Ectoplasm... is it? But, what's the worst thing can happen if I drink that? I can't really think of anything._

"...Bottoms up," says Reimu as she empties the contents in her mouth. "Agh!"

An icy feeling instantly lodges itself on Reimu's throat, slowly making its way down. Reimu suddenly freezes in place, shivering.

"Ohh." Marisa watches in awe.

After the feeling is gone, Reimu turns to Marisa. "Okay, you've had your entertainment. Now do as you promised."

"Uh... okay, okay," says Marisa, trying to hide her confusion. _That's weird. Nothing about her behavior is different._

Nevertheless, she opens the closet and takes out the Hakurei garb.

_What happened, I wonder._

* * *

*Knock, knock*

Late afternoon in the tengu village.

The door of Aya's nest opens, with the tengu standing in the doorway.

"Yes? ...Do you need anything?" asks Aya. Standing before her is a blushing Alice.

"Uh... yeah! Well... you see..." Alice fidgets, unable to look at Aya in the eye.

Aya tilts her head curiously. "What's the matter?"

"Ph-Photo... Photo..."

"Photo? You want to have your pictures taken?" asks Aya. "You've come to the right place! Step right into my studio!"

"No, no!" Alice shakes her head vigorously, blushing more than ever. "Photo Essay! I want to subscribe to your Photo Essay!"

...

"Ohhh, I see," Aya nods. "You were referring to the Cardboard Box! Alice, right? Well, come in anyway. You're having your picture taken!"

"W-What?" But before Alice can do anything, Aya drags her in.

"You have to! It's an agreement I make with all of my subscribers. They all must appear in my Specials!" came Aya's voice from inside.

_Slam!_ And the door is shut again.

From behind the trees, Human X watches, a dreamy expression on his face.

"Alice, huh..."

He sighs.

"Alice... a beautiful name. Coupled with a beautiful face. And a timid, sweet and sour demeanor. Truly... the complete package. ...How I wish to be one of those dolls she holds in her hands."

* * *

The front door of the Aya residence bursts open.

"NOO!" screams Alice as she bolts out, grabbing the frills of her dress as she leaps into the air.

"Aw, c'mon! We were just getting to the good part!" complains Aya as she emerges from the doorway, camera in hand.

After a while, Alice pauses to catch her breath. "Marisa did say it comes with a price. ...I didn't think it would be THIS kind of price."

Footsteps can be heard approaching her.

Alice looks up and gasps.

A… large Shanghai doll?

"Alice-san... Please accept my love," pleads Human X as he kneels down.

He is completely dressed, head to toe, like Shanghai. With the fake, long and curly blonde hair, and the red bow behind his head. The makeup on his face is elaborate. The frilly dress he wears is almost an exact replica of the dress worn by the Shanghai that Alice holds in her arms. How did he manage to procure all of these materials? Let's just say... it's best not to underestimate the power of love.

A startled expression instantly takes over Alice's face as she stands up and takes a few steps back.

"W-Who... Who are...?" _...The love potion!_ Suddenly, Alice's face lights up in realization. "W-Wait, what?"

She finds herself confused to the point of being speechless. _That's right. Marisa said... that Reimu's in bad shape. But... How should I have known that she's in THIS much trouble? ...Anyway, this girl needs help! I have to do something!_

"Alice-san..." sighs Human X. "If only you knew how badly I want to be held in your arms." He steps forward, slowly at first. Then he breaks into a run, his arms outstretched.

It is at this moment that Alice suddenly decides that she can't take it anymore.

"S-SKILL! DOLL PLACEMENT!"

A dull crunching sound as blade meets flesh.

* * *

...

Human X opens his eyes. His surroundings look unfamiliar. Cherry blossoms are all around.

"Where am I?"

"Welcome to the Netherworld. Luckily, I was around and was able to whisk you off before Komachi sends you to Higan."

Human X turns and notices Yuyuko. He gasps. "You're that ghost! What have you done to Alice? I need to see her! I really do!"

"No can do," she purrs. "I hate to break it to you, but as of now, you're not really alive... yet, you're not dead because you have yet to hear the Yama's judgement. Fufufu... I wonder if that makes you a half-host."

Yuyuko's smiles warmly.

"In any case, there's someone I'd like you to meet."

* * *

Human X can not believe his eyes. Standing before him was a girl... exactly twice as beautiful as Alice. (Wait... funny. How can he be so sure of the numbers?)

"Yuyuko-sama, is he the man you're marrying me off to?" asks Youmu.

* * *

_-5 minutes ago-_

"Youmu."

The half-ghost pauses in the middle of sweeping the garden. "Yes, Yuyuko-sama?"

"Let's get you married today."

"Yes, Yuyuko-sama."

* * *

_-Now-_

Youmu sighs upon retrospect. _Why did I respond as though she was asking me to go buy bread?_

"Hm? Is this a man?" asks Yuyuko confusedly. "But he's so cute!"

Youmu deadpans. Here is her master, marrying her off to a person whose gender is not even known to her.

Indeed, Human X is still dressed as a doll, except most of his make-up is washing off along with his sweat, making him anything but cute. His eyes are fixed on the half-ghost.

"But you see, Youmu," continues Yuyuko. "I'm not exactly marrying you OFF. The two of you are going to tend the garden together, like two perfect wives. ...Er, husband and wife."

"Yes, Yuyuko-sama."

With a thud, Human X has just gotten to his knees. He takes out a diamond ring, (which probably was meant for Alice) and displays it in front of him.

"Youmu..."

…

"Will you marry me?"

…

"Er... I... Why are you...?" Poor girl.

"Two strands of hair are better than one," says Yuyuko, as though explaining. "Marisa only put one strand of Alice's hair in that potion. Of course, we had to do better than that."

"So that's why..." Youmu presses her hand against the spot on her head that had fallen victim to Yuyuko's fingers.

_Pop!_

"Ah, Yukari! You're just in time for the proposal!" says Yuyuko excitedly, upon seeing the youkai step out of the gap. "My Youmu is finally getting married!"

Yukari's expression is unreadable. "Congratulations. However, there is one thing I must do. I have been made to completely reverse what is happening to Youmu."

(A/N: Don't worry about this. It's just to follow through with someone through a PM.)

* * *

...

"What is this?" asks Yuyuko curiously.

By the time Yukari left, Youmu is the one kneeling. Displayed in her hands is Human X's shining ring.

"Oh, I see," realizes Yuyuko.

"YES, YES! A DEFINITE YES!" cries Human X as he bows over and over again, pouring tears of joy.

Long story short, they marry before sundown and they live happily ev- *cough, cough!*

* * *

A/N: Losing steam over here! Someone's gotta feed me more bad ch... butter! Ha! You thought I was going to say cheese, right? Nah, that would be too chees-*anvil drop*


	4. Idle Afternoon

A/N: For a bit more than five months (that's the amount of time since my last update), this story has been a thorn at my side. In a comfy, cozy way. Oh, the wonders of having an incomplete story haunt me to the extremes! The immense prospects of a fic concerning such an amazing series as Touhou, and the fact that I've actually DONE something in this community!

*Ahem.* That being said, pleased to meet you. I'm Lone Maestro. With regards to this story, I am known as the **Author**.

...

(Right... that came out not sounding suspicious at all.)

Disclaimer: ZUN belongs to Touhou.

* * *

A/N: Almost forgot. Where exactly was I? If you would excuse me, allow me to attempt a recap of the events. We have...

A handsome Human X in a poorly-made Shanghai costume currently dating Youmu Konpaku.

An anxious Reimu Hakurei about to get her miko-outfit back from Marisa Kirisame after downing a glass of ectoplasm.

A traumatized Alice Margatroid who only wanted Aya's Photo Essay subscription, but was suddenly confronted by both Aya's dodgy camera and the infatuated Human X.

...

(Author limps away, muttering.)

* * *

"This is the burden you have forced upon yourself. In attempting to bring chaos upon my Gensokyo, you will find the need to answer to your own shortcomings as an author."

Hm, so I am bringing chaos upon your Gensokyo now?

"Am I mistaken?" Yukari asks. She appears to be lazing around in her gap, apparently talking to no one.

Yes, I'm afraid you are, Yukari-chan. There is but one motive for my assuming control over Gensokyo's fate. Bringing chaos is but a side effect.

"How endearing of you to call me by that name."

!? ...Oh! S-Sorry, I'm a foreigner! Honorifics mean nothing to me!

But Yukari ignores this. "One motive, hm? And what would it be?"

...Well, bringing chaos upon Gensokyo, of course.

Yukari closes her eyes and sighs. "You seem to be just as hard to reason with as myself whenever I feel flirty with Reimu."

...

Don't get any ideas, gap hag.

* * *

Marisa's house lays in a mess. The interior reeks of battle.

"I guess you'll be doing some cleaning today," says Reimu, donning her miko wear once again. Marisa is retraining the now-defeated T-Shirt X, which lay smoking on the ground.

"You call this an excuse to clean my house? But, you haven't seen THOSE days," said Marisa. "When I used to treat my customers to tea that were really test potions with magical mushrooms."

Reimu only stares questioningly.

"Hey, don't expect ME to know all the answers." But she sighs. "Apparently, I didn't store my Destroy-Marisa's-House mushrooms in a safe enough place."

Reimu pauses to catch her thought. "Hey, that actually sounds convenient. So the next time we have a duel, why don't you fix me a Defeat-Marisa-In-A-Duel?"

"U-hh..."

Marisa hesitates, then gives a thumb's-up.

"Sure thing!"

Reimu realizes the ruse she had set up. "Hai, hai. But it's been ages since I had last taken your word for granted."

"Heh... that hurts." But while she speaks, her mind is somewhere else. Marisa's eyes are fixed on the rags that resembles a T-Shirt ever so slightly. (Poor T-Shirt X.)

"Hey, Reimu... help me think of what do with this, will ya?"

* * *

_Where... am I? What am I doing here?_

Human X blinks several times and rises from bed.

"Hyaa!" He realizes that he is half-naked. Furthermore, Youmu Konpaku lays in the same bed, staring up at him stoically.

Human X stares back with the same intensity. He finds her eyes mesmerizing. "Hm, you're a pretty one," he mutters. He hurriedly covers his mouth upon realizing that he was thinking aloud.

Youmu looks away. "You've been saying that for the past hour."

"EH!? W-HA- How, what? NO I HAVEN'T!"

Youmu sighs. "You're boring me. Just go away."

He is unsure of how to respond.

"Eh, but wha-? Uh... yes ma'am!" Human X salutes, then makes for the exit as fast as he can. _Better to just leave and forget that ever happened. But what was seriously going on? Maybe some things are better off not known._

He pauses at the front entrance of Hakugyokurou to catch his breath.

"Wait, waiiiit!"

Yuyuko flies out to meet him. There were tears in her eyes.

"Here, take back your trash!" The ghost princess throws a random-looking doll costume at the boy. "And do not come here ever again!" She dashes back inside, sobbing.

_Nothing happened._

Human X maintains a straight face as he holds the costume in his hands while he walks. _Nothing at all..._

The ghost princess barrels into Youmu's room just in time for the half-ghost to finish dressing.

"Youmu, my dear," Yuyuko caresses the half-ghost. "I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your breakup wasn't that bad."

"No, it wasn't all that bad." Youmu can't help being confused.

"Oh, Youmu~!"

* * *

"No way."

"Aww," Marisa makes a pouted face. "Do you expect me to just hand this back to that guy?" She is referring to the T-Shirt.

"Eww, no!" T-Shirt X tries to break free of Marisa's grasp, to no avail. "You don't know how Human X handles his clothing. And he's such a meanie! I used to think all humans are like that. Reimu-san, you really opened my eyes!"

Holding her head in her palms, the miko fails to hide her exasperation. "Now that's just..."

"So what should I do with it?" Marisa eyes T-Shirt X cautiously.

"I don't know, just do whatever you want!" Reimu looks up. "But something is fishy about this T-Shirt. Why don't we take it to Yukari?"

"Fine by me."

* * *

Speaking of Yukari.

"Uwa-haha- UWAHHH!"

"I can't tell if you're really panicked, or just enjoying yourself," Yukari asks curiously. She is floating in a realm of nothingness, facing her victim.

Rinnosuke Morichika floats in morbid fear. "Y-Y-You!"

"The border between dreams and wakefulness was a thin one," Yukari says dismissively. "Do you know what else is thin?"

"I don't know, I don't care. Please, just let me wake up."

Yukari narrows her eyes. "The border between masculinity and femininity. Especially here in Gensokyo."

"Hee-ee!" Rinnosuke can feel the sweat building up on his brow. Naturally, it feels all too real to be a dream. "I... I think I'm beginning to understand why I've dreaded seeing you so much!"

"Yet you, Morichika-san, are one of the few males in Gensokyo," Yukari continues, ignoring his statement. "The elite few, if you will."

"I-I apologize for being manly and oppressive!" Rinnosuke bows low.

The gap youkai plays with her fingers for a while, as if preparing for a shift in borders.

Rinnosuke abruptly straightens back up. "Hm... Now that I think about it, I'd make a terrible woman. A grouchy old lady, at best."

"Don't let your naturally deep voice fool you," Yukari retorts. "I can easily replace it with the cascading sweetness of a soprano."

"Ah..."

It was a lame scream, hardly a scream at all. Rinnosuke's jaw drops to his feet, in uttering what is merely a grunt of concurrence. His jaw will end up in the exact same place as she wakes up.

* * *

"Maybe I overdid it..."

No, you did great, Yukari. I simply had to make sure Human X remains the only male. Only a male can make it work, and it has to be Human X.

"Whatever are you talking about?"

...

Yukari, I will keep you under close watch, lest you attempt anything funny while I proceed with my plans.

The youkai does not appear to have heard. "Oh, but aren't you yourself a male?"

...Ack!

* * *

A/N: That was close. If Yukari really can alter such a boundary, it won't be long before someone like myself falls victim to her gender favoritism. Sadly, I must bid farewell to my plans to keep Yukari-chan in close watch. Sniff... Now, what sort of evil plans will that gap hag think up against me?

Apologies for the short chapter. As you can see, I've run out of steam a long time ago, and this story never had, never will have, any sense of direction.

Ah, but I'm not someone you can trust anymore... Am I?


	5. Exploding Afternoon

A/N: Some more nonsensical literature, headed your way! Which, hate to admit, doesn't really belong in the well-ordered Touhou-verse, don't you think?

Hm?

But isn't it obvious? We all know that sexy princesses like hiding inside bamboo stalks. And that moons can be stashed away in anyone's bedrooms.

And that geysers are caused by nuclear ravens living underground.

And that after we die, we get judged and destined to either Heaven or Hell. (...Okaaay, maybe this one isn't so obvious... There's no freaking way the Yama can look THIS awkward.)

-Time leap to Author's moment of death-

FORGIVE ME, ENMA-SAMA!

-Back to the story-

Disclaimer: Touhou Project a.k.a. Project Shrine Maiden belongs to Team Shanghai Alice a.k.a. ZUN a.k.a. Junya Oota (sigh... the one developer does such wonderful things with his naming rights...)

* * *

"So... when are you going to tell me about it?"

"Hm?"

Reimu and Marisa still haven't left the Kirisame household. T-Shirt X is folded up into a ball, restrained, and carelessly thrust inside a handbag.

"About what happened to the love potion," answers Marisa.

"L-Love potion...? So that cold drink was...?"

"...Ectoplasm," Marisa realizes. "The original love potion is missing." She breaks into a deep frustration. "Oi, what was Yuyuko thinking, stealing from a thief just like that."

Reimu stifles a laugh. "Maybe your karma has run too low. They say bad karma strikes back with twice the force of your own wrongdoings." (A/N: Completely made up.)

"Which is why I don't believe such crap," Marisa answers stubbornly. "Because if that's true, then 100 percent of the things people say to me must be lies."

"Uh... So you lie 50 percent of the time?"

"Yeah, just 50 percent of the time," she responds airily. "I spend immense efforts at keeping count, you know."

"That one's a lie," Reimu observes.

But Marisa's attention has shifted back to her cauldron. "It's too bad, though. I was curious about the side effects of this new love potion formula I invented."

Reimu follows the witch into the cauldron room. "Oi, you were trying to use me as a guinea pig? Don't you know about all the protective charms I place on myself?" Then she stops in contemplation. "Then it must be one heck of a side-effect."

* * *

-Bhava-Agra, Heaven-

Tenshi Hinanawi stares blankly at the scene in front of her.

While one side of her blue dress is neat, the other side is charred and produces smoke that are remnants of the flames that once threatened to consume the Celestial. The portion of the peach orchard in which she was standing is up in flames, a huge, ash-laden crater smack in the center.

"...What... just..."

"Onee-sama!" Other members of the Hinanawi clan have noticed the commotion and are now running up to Tenshi. "Was... it a shinigami just now?" "Did you roast her good?" "I think you overdid it somehow, hehe."

The Eldest Daughter merely closes her eyes in dismissal. "No, I didn't blow up any shinigami. It was just a random explosion, that is all," she replies as if nothing was out of the ordinary.

The other Celestials now have looks of confusion.

"But we'll be fine, such explosions can't hurt us," Tenshi assures them.

Then her face takes on an even more confused look.

"But... can it be...?"

She raises her gaze upwards towards the thermosphere, which cues the others to do the same. Not a cloud is seen, since Heaven is supposed to be above the clouds after all.

"Can it be... That there's another Heaven above us... In which another Tenshi likes to cause natural disasters to THIS world?"

Blank stares. Then whispers.

"Another... Tenshi?" "I think just one's enough." "Nah, that's not possible." "You're not gonna trust her logic, are you?" Confused eyes are now fixed at the hole in the ground.

It's true that explosions are obnoxiously loud and can annoy Celestials into agony. But what's the point of detonating in an open field?

It is at that moment that - BOOM! - another explosion rocks the clouds. The Celestials cover their ears after being momentarily blinded by the flash. This one took place perhaps a kilometer away from where they had gathered.

* * *

"H-Hold on, what are you doing?" asks Reimu.

Marisa takes yet another gulp of her love potion. Since this one contains no hair segment, there should be no love-potion effect.

After continuously begging Reimu to test-drink the potion (and failing), Marisa has finally decided to see for herself.

"I don't seem to feel anything..." says a disappointed Marisa. "Normally, side effects should have taken over immediately. I've mixed in way too much mana for absolutely nothing to happen."

Reimu becomes impatient. "Let me try," she takes the flask and takes a sip. Then she gives the potion a curious look. "Hm, it actually tastes kinda good." She takes another sip.

"Shh, you hear that?" Marisa holds up a palm while Reimu only looks in confusion. "Seems to be coming from outside."

Reimu seems to he enjoying her potion, which, in all due honesty, did have some aromatic fragrances mixed in, coming from ingredients like perfumes and lotions (sorry for making you hungry). Sure enough, during the moment she swallows, a faint bang can be heard from the sky.

After a minute, a figure in the sky with a smoke trail is now seen shooting down towards the ground. A faint voice grows louder as it approaches. "ENOOOUUUGH!"

It crash lands in front of the Kirisame house, triggering an earthquake. The roof of Marisa's house prompty collapses, and a wall is now tilted at a dangerous angle. Luckily for the two of them, they are outside at the time.

"...So, NOW is it time to clean up your place?" Reimu asks.

Marisa sighs. "Well if you want it this much, then sure," she responds as she dutifully hands Reimu a broom.

A moment of awkward silence as Reimu contemplates how to properly punish Marisa for the lame joke.

"I'm serious," Marisa says with a straight face and pleading eyes, still offering the broom.

"Don't just ignore me!" Tenshi wails from inside the crater she had created.

* * *

"Eh? So you think we are the ones making explosions up in Heaven?" asks Reimu incredulously.

"You can play dumb, but I just know," replies the Celestial. She is in terrible shape. Her entire blue dress has been burnt off, leaving her stockings exposed. A handful of tufts of singed hair remains on her scalp. The peaches on a torn hat she wears are now a glob of melted plastic.

"Those were't real peaches? I was looking forward to having them the next time I meet you," complains a disappointed Marisa. "Er, f-first, with your permission."

"Never mind that!" yells Tenshi. "You've reduced Heaven to almost nothing! Yes, the peach trees and flowers will grow back, but in the meantime there's absolutely nothing to do!"

"Hold on! I'm not so sure you have the right criminals," Marisa defends. "What explosions are you talking about? Reimu and I were just deadlifting in my private gym."

Reimu sighs. "She's ly-" A quick jab to her ribs. Thank you, Marisa. If it weren't for you, I would have done it myself.

"You can't fool me," Tenshi's anger has only risen. "I know because she told me. Everyone trusts Yukari Yakumo-san like no one else. She... She said so herself!"

"No way..." It is only now that the news begins to sink into Marisa's head. "If only I had known earlier that this love potion has such an awesome side effect. But... it shouldn't make sense..."

"Prepare yourselves!" Tenshi's Sword of Non-perception begins to glow. However, Marisa is still stuck in her dazed state of mind.

"Oi, she's right," Reimu warns Marisa, getting herself into battle stance.

"Sword of Non-perception!" Tenshi brandishes her weapon and lunges straight at Marisa.

The witch dodges by dashing backwards, then spamming Button 1, followed by a few Button 2's, then executing the left-down-right-Button 2 combo, effectively ending the offensive lock she had on Tenshi.

"A newfound love on Earth..." Marisa thinks aloud as she stands, waving her body around and waiting for Tenshi to slowly pick herself back up.

"Hakurei Amulet!" Pieces of large, orange squares fly curved paths towards the Celestial, who grazes and swings her sword at the hovering miko.

"Synonymous to Paradise on Earth... so, in symbollic terms, a piece of Heaven is cast down to forge a bond between a couple," Marisa continues. "Such a piece must be sacrificed from Heaven... da ze. In this case, the portion of Heaven that falls victim is... Bhava-Agra, residence of Tenshi and the Hinanawi clan."

Marisa squeezes her eyes shut and clutches her head.

"I-It makes too much sense! Drinking a love potion and making Heaven explode makes too much sense!"

She leaps into the air to dodge another oncoming assault. Unbeknownst to her, a possession of hers is dropped onto the ground from a pocket. Tenshi's blade makes contact with the fallen object, destroying the rope, charms, and tape that seem to bound the object into a ball. The Celestial turns to glare at her opponents.

Marisa plants both feet on the ground in mock ready stance. "Yosh! This has all become interesting enough. I might even consider tightening my studies on magic theory! Let's go to the library today!"

Two pairs of eyes stare back at Marisa's. "Um, Marisa... I think we're in a battle right now," reminds Reimu.

* * *

Haha~ Run, T-Shirt X, run!

The dirtied T-Shirt, now free, floats lazily in the air, becoming further and further away from the battle scene. So what use do I have for you now? ...I'll think of one next chapter.


	6. Evening of Revelation

A/N: The tale must go on!

Those of you reading this, I applaud your patience. (I also sympathize with you on the extreme boredom which must be plaguing you, for you to go as far as finishing all six chapters of this unassuming tale.

?

Oh... just five so far?

?

And they're under 2K words each?

Ah...

You probably just jumped here and skipped all the nonessential stuff anyway. (And to arrive at stuff that is even more nonesse- let's move on...)

* * *

A gentle breeze cascades over an edition of Aya's Cardboard Box Photo Essay Special, turning the pages. Alice Margatroid takes heavy, deep breaths as she glances from page to page of Aya's magnificent artwork. She now stumbles awkwardly away from the tengu's treetop dwelling, the tengu reporter herself waving goodbye by the door.

That's right, there is a unique price one must pay to be allowed to subscribe to this, *cough* exciting, magazine, and that is having oneself appear in the publication itself. Initially, Alice was reluctant due to this. Now, after having stabbed stabbed through a human, all sense of morals has been lost to the doll puppeteer. The image of a male human dressed in a doll costume, his blood pooling on the forest floor and ruining Alice's dress (Aya had to offer her a change of clothes for her shining moments), had played over in Alice's mind so many times, she had become numb to the thought. Now, she humbly resorts to passing the time with some simple mental stimulation.

"It's no use," she sighs as she closes the magazine. "I thought there would be more of Marisa. Though Marisa does have a boyish figure. What if... what if I'm hotero... hetorosex..." It's as if she had forgotten how to say the word. No one in Gensokyo uses it anyway. Alice's face gives way to a nervous smirk. "S-So what if I'm different? Everyone is different. Being different isn't a crime. It sure can't be worse than murdering someone."

"Oh, and did you murder someone?"

Alice recognizes the voice as coming from a familiar ordinary witch. Asked in the tone typically used for asking about the favorite color of a friend's girlfriend's cousin.

"Oh, lookie! That's great, Alice. I can't wait to read the new issue!" The issue in question being none other than the magazine in Alice's hands, in plain sight. "I see you are teaching them to be role model citizens after all!"

"Eh?" But before Alice could ask another question, she feels a whoosh as her two dolls quickly hide behind her back. They seem to have been peeking over her shoulder.

Reimu Hakurei, Marisa Kirisame, and Tenshi Hinanawi are having a small picnic in front of the Kirisame residence, which looks to be undergoing renovation, tended to by Tenshi's celestial companions.

"Tenshi...?"

"It's a long story," Reimu says.

"No it's not," Marisa objects. "Hrm, basically... after we blew up Heaven by drinkibg love potions, I wanted to go to the library instead of cleaning up my house, but then we lost our T-Shirt, and then we decided the best thing to do is have a picnic."

"...Eh... Ah..." Alice smiles meekly and nods in acceptance.

Tenshi gives a nod of confirmation, looking too disinterested to be trusted.

"Hm... That might actually be the best way to put it," Reimu finally says after some serious consideration.

CRASH! Alice has fallen over backward.

* * *

Nightfall near the Hakurei Shrine. Human X trudges onward, dressed in his doll costume (having nothing else to wear). By now, he is sure that there is someone responsible for his helpless confusion. One evil lord responsible for every one of his miseries. Just like to how any author you find on the street takes responsibility for the misery wrought on their characters.

Ahem, excuse me...

Sorry, man. You're just experiencing an author's dilemma of having every ridiculous thing the author could think of thrust at you, then the additional dilemma of my having to think of what exactly I should do to you. Pity me.

"Oh yes, I pity you."

The voice is not of Human X. Standing before him is Yukari Yakumo, safely tucked beneath her moonlit umbrella.

"Aye, but it shall do no good to pity me," Human X adamantly replies. "I must seek out the One Who is Responsible and destroy him. Every misfortune I have experienced, and the pain and agony, not to mention the extreme boredom, of the person reading this right now, are attributed to such monster. A formidable opponent indeed. I doubt even the renowned Reimu-chan is of any match to him."

"...?" Yukari's simple response, as if she has just noticed him. "I do wonder. Who gave you those lines?"

"Eh?" Human X looks around confusedly. "Well, yes. Some strange utterances have just recently escaped my tongue..." All of a sudden, he breaks into a fit of rage. "I see. It must be him! I swear, I will mash him up like grated cheese!"

Yukari pauses to finger-count something. "Four things," she says, holding up the respective fingers. "First, When I spoke about pitying, I was not talking to you. Second, you are assuming that it is one person. Quite the arbitrary integer, hm? It might very well be the Negative One Who is Responsible, or the Three Million Who are Responsible. Third, why must he be a 'he?' An innocent girl might be equally likely. In fact, before you know it, you are launching your extreme hatred at three million cute, little girls. Would you, then, still mash all of _them_ into grated cheese? Fourth,"

WACK! Yukari has just walked up and flicked Human X's nipple with youkai strength, causing him to give a shrill howl.

"That's for using an honorific on Reimu that even I hadn't even gotten the chance to use."

Seeing Human X being reduced to a quivering mess on the ground, Yukari softens up.

"But still, there's one small thing you can take pride in," she says. "One thing for which you should keep your chin up."

"...Go on," he grunts angrily.

"There is but one reason you are brought into this world. And your villain you wish to defeat so much knows very well what it may be. It is the key to resolving this disaster, and you must be the one to do it."

"You know something, do you, Yakumo-san?" Human X narrows his eyes.

"Why else should I lower myself so much as to inform a puny human of my deepest revelations?".

"I see," he says slowly, after regaining composure. "I may be of value after all. My suspicions that I may be the only one who can end it all between me and the One Who is Responsible is true. Fare thee well, my Youkai of Boundaries." Human X gives a wave, then continues towards the shrine.

"MY youkai of boundaries...?" Yukari murmurs confusingly.

A fox-resembling girl pops out from a hole in midair. "Just curious, Yukari-sama. Do you happen to know what exactly is this noble act he must do, to challenge the One Responsible, and also prove his cause in Gensokyo?"

After the human is out of sight, Yukari gives Ran a serious look. "Well, you see..."

"..."

"The Hakurei armpits aren't there for nothing."

Ran tilts her head curiously, still not understanding what her master is trying to imply.

* * *

-The next morning-

GLOMP.

The blue-and-white apparel tastes of golden sweetness to T-Shirt X. She savors the apparel down to every last button sewn on the holy fabric before diving back into the bucket of water from which she came from.

"A free lunch!" T-Shirt X happily exclaims as she reverts back to T-shirt form, just in time for a mysterious figure to arrive to do the laundry, humming a tune. T-Shirt X is promptly picked up by the sleeves dripping wet, stared at, wrung dry, then clipped to a cloth-hanging wire tied between two trees.

As the clothing youkai drifts off to slumber, she had already forgotten about her lunch of Yama apparel.

* * *

A/N: And just like T-Shirt X, this fic had been wrung dry a long time ago.

...

Now, as I secretly wish for you to accept my cheesy metaphors, I am going to think of a way to end this fic. (Gah, why are my armpits itching.)

Speaking of which, Lady Rinnosuke still hasn't made an appearance yet, has she?


End file.
